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like i said: i did business and it took more than i first had thought [a beat.] with mercenaries.

yeah. let me take a break from work.

[ that solidifies the worst of miles's suspicions, his stomach twisting into knots, and miles, he doesn't even bother with a reply until he's ran all the way from his room to J's, a stitch burning in his side, but he doesn't regret it too much. he's breathing a little hard when he texts her, just outside her door. ]

I'm outside.

[ she didn't ask him to come, he knows. but he decided he needed to. ]

[At first she thinks that he dropped the conversation and went to sleep or something. Well, at least he's now aware that she won't be showing up for a while. Liked he it or not. J, too, closes her eyes and at least tries to get some sleep-- even though she has the feeling it will not come.

But then the MID flashes and there's a sign about unread message. She opens it and--

Fuck! she swears out loud and darts to sit up, she glances quickly at the door before starting to type him the answer.]

you have any idea what time it is?????

[ miles hears her curse from outside the door and he smiles nervously in the empty hall despite himself. ]

Yes. Can I come in, please?

[ it is an exceptionally polite request, because miles, on some level, knows he is intruding -- but he can't let this alone, dammit. he can't. ]

[She really wants to tell him to fuck off. This night has been long and exhausting enough, both physically and emotionally. She already had way too many encounters with people who tried to tell how bad and unsafe her plans were, asking her not to do it. The last thing she now wanted and needed was to hear yet another lecture.

But then again, what else did she expect to get for contacting him? She takes a deep breath and turns her night light on, bracing herself for the coming as she types a reply to him:]

sure.

[He'll find J sitting on her bed, completely nude and skin almost as pale as the blanket she's hugging. Right now she really regrets for leaving shower for the morning. Her blonde curly hair is tangled and eyes smeared with the remaining make up, almost as if she had cried. On top of everything, there's still a faint smell of dried sweat mixed together with a musky and 'fishy' odor coming off from her. She's thrown her dress from the earlier on the chair next to her bed along with all her underwear.]

[ it's probably good that it's dark, that miles can't see everything, but he can see enough. he bites the inside of his cheek, sucking in a breath. his stomach only twists into tighter knots. he edges into the room, makes his way over to her bed, and he almost reaches out to touch her shoulder -- but he doesn't, his good hand dropping back to his side. the other arm is in a cast, supported by a sling. if he had any mind to lecture her before he got here, it's gone now. now he's just...scared. his voice is hushed, cracked with exhaustion. ]

What... [ no, what happened seems like the wrong question. he swallows, concerned gaze fixing on her face. ] Did they hurt you?

No. [J says, voice quiet and raspy, not wanting to risk waking up any of her roommates. There's no trace of a smile on her lips, she's far too weary and exhausted even try to pretend to have any energy or that she is feeling okay.]

It was nothing like that. It was my own idea.

Edited 2016-04-09 17:00 (UTC)

[ there's no judgment on miles's face, just dire concern. it makes his chest ache to see her like this. ]

Why? [ it's nothing but a whisper. ] What was it for?

[At first there's no answer. J doesn't want to tell him, or anyone, why she did it and what she had hoped to gain from it. The guilt that has been eating her from the inside hasn't gone anywhere and now there was only more self-loath and disgust added to the mix.

She bends her legs, presses her body forward and rests her head against knees.]

What does it matter? What's done is done.

You don't have to tell me. I just...

[ he takes a few cautious steps forward until he's beside her bed, but he's not sure if she'll react badly if he tries to touch her. maybe she's had enough of being touched for tonight. ]

I wanted to make sure you're okay. I was worried.

[ he is worried, no past tense there. it scares him a little bit, seeing her like this. it just feels like something went wrong. ]

[She watches him move closer, lips curving down a little. His cautiousness and worry doesn't translate well to her as all that she can read from his body language, the tone and weight behind his words, is uneasiness. She's very well aware of how she looks at the moment, hell, how she even smells, and she doesn't need to have him around if it all makes him feel this uncomfortable.]

Ha. [It's a dry, choked laughter.] You don't need to force yourself. I told you I'm going to be fine.

[ he frowns in the dark. ]

I'm not forcing myself to do anything. I'm here because I'm concerned. About a friend.

[ he draws in a breath and hesitates. ]

I'll go if you want.

Suit yourself.

[Something changes in the way how she looks at him when he drops the word 'friend.' For a briefest beat, her weary yet defensive appearance turns into a something more soft and sincere, making her eyes look like they belong to someone younger, or is it to her actual age,-- but within a blink she's back to normal and turns her head away, burying her face to her knees.

It's not that she doesn't appreciate this or his concern. In fact, she's touched that he came to see her and doesn't really want him gone. But all of this, the emotional turmoil rummaging through her, would be so much more bearable if he didn't look her like that.]

But now that you're still here. [she mumbles to the fabric.] Pass me my cigs. They're on the table.

Edited 2016-04-17 13:15 (UTC)

[ it twists miles's stomach to see her like this, miserable and drawn into herself. but she hasn't kicked him out, and he isn't going to leave just yet, so he doesn't, straying a little closer. ]

Didn't listen to a word I said about smoking on the ship, did you?

[ but it's not a rebuttal -- his voice is soft and wry, hopefully good-natured. he picks up the cigarette case and hands it to her with a little breath. ]

Heh. Sorry, you might want to bring that up to captains or something.

[She sniffles a little, extends her hand to grab the offered case. She brings it to against her chest but doesn't open it just yet. Then, she tilts her head a little just so that she can take a peek at him.

Then, after a quiet moment, she pats the empty space on the mattress next to her.]

Come here.

Yeah, I'm thinking about suggesting a rehab program next.

[ he even chances a small smile, faint but there, and he sits down next to her carefully, cradling his broken arm to his chest. he almost apologizes for busting in on her, but he's worried she'll regret inviting him to stay if he says anything else. so he just sits quietly and waits, patient. ]

That'd probably be the fastest way to raise the mutiny.

[She doesn't take her eyes off him as he moves closer and settles down next to her. At first, she takes a long, good look at his broken arm and the cast, then moves to his stiff shoulders and then to his nervous throat-- and finally raises her gaze to meet his eyes. ]

So, what do you think?

[About this situation. About her.]

[ miles holds her gaze unwaveringly, his gray eyes staring back at her in the dark. he looks at her, silent for a long moment of consideration. ]

Does it matter what I think?

Everyone seems to have an opinion about this. About these things. And it's usually the same one, so I was wondering what you think.

[She shrugs, not really answering to his question. She's doesn't know whether his opinion really matters to her or not but.. there's a faint hope that he'll understand why she does this. After all, it hasn't been that long since he was standing in the mercenaries place.]

[ miles hesitates, carefully considering his words before he answers. he taps his fingers lightly on his knee and draws in a breath. ]

I think...you did something at your own expense, because you felt you had to. Because you felt like it was a fair trade. And I think your life thus far has led you to believe that such trades are always fair, that you're tantamount to currency and you should spend yourself accordingly. But you're a person, J. You're not currency, you're -- well, not what it buys, maybe, but your personhood is above all notions of cost. It's never a fair trade to give away oneself. It's worth far too much.

[ he pauses a moment before adding: ]

But I don't think less of you, if that's what you mean.

[So, he's like the rest of them. Those are J's first thoughts, but as he continues talking she can feel a big chunk rising to her throat, making it harder to breathe. She swallows air, biting down on her lower lip, feeling threatening tears burning behind her eyes.

"J, you're my most important and valuable merchandise." She remembers Arther's voice and how good it had felt for a fleeting moment, despite knowing that it wasn't right what he did. But he gave her a purpose, a reason exist and keep going. Handing a dream to her on a silver plater.

Sniffling quietly, she opens her cigarette case and lights herself a smoke. ]

You sound so certain when you say that. But the reality is that things aren't like that for everyone.

Edited 2016-04-29 21:10 (UTC)

Whatever reality that is, you don't live there anymore.

[ his voice is still quiet, barely a whisper, but his tone is firm all the same, almost adamant. he can see the expressions shift on her face and he almost reaches out to her again, but he's still not sure she'd be okay with being touched right now. he tries sitting a little bit closer, but he doesn't want to get too up in her personal space, either. ]

I'm not...trying to belittle what you've gone through. Whatever it was, I know it was a lot. But you're not there anymore. You don't have to sell yourself to survive here.

[J only frowns a slightly at him when he shifts closer, but more from confusion than disapproval. She can see the hesitation in him but doesn't understand the reason for it and it makes her uncomfortable. He's so confident yet uncertain at the same time, almost as if he believes she'd suddenly fall apart if he got too close to her. ]

Ha. It's not that simple, you know. People don't change.

[Her words are accompanied with a dry, hollow laughter. J brings the cigarette to her lips and inhales the smoke, absent mindedly letting the ashes to fall on her duvet. Suddenly looking him into the eyes is too hard and she averts her gaze, looking at the darkness of the room.]

I won't change and what I do isn't for something like "survival". I'm a -- [She pauses, not sure how to continue. It's strange, every time before she's been so straight with her words and opinions, no matter how nasty they were or to who they were directed at. But right now she'd rather not to say what's in her mind.] -- I'm a nelly. I'm glad that there's someone out there who has weird kinks and finds me hot enough. So I never refuse anyone who wants to do it with me.

[ miles's mouth hovers half-open, ready to respond but waiting until she's done -- he's never heard the term nelly, but he can hazard a guess at what it means -- and when she is he just sits there. he looks...absolutely crushed by it, his whole expression shifting away, a flash of what she saw in his office the first time they met, except this time it isn't because of her. it's more of an echo. weird kinks, right...

miles looks away, too, ducking his head. his whisper sounds somehow weaker than before. ]

It is survival. Just a different sort. Survival of the heart, the mind.

[ validation is the word he doesn't say, but he's almost certain it's true. miles fidgets with a loose thread on his sling, trying to loosen the pressure in his chest enough to speak again. he sounds almost as hollow as she does. ]

Do you feel like your body means you don't deserve anything better?

[The silence stretches between them into a minute.

Now that's a question she doesn't know how to answer.

Does she think she deserves this? Not really but then again.. yes. She doesn't think that anyone deserves to be treated and viewed like she's been, experiencing the same hate that she's been subjected to. But that's just how the world works and things are the way they are. And without even realizing it, she's accepted them as truth and learned how to function around them, making compromises when it came to her own happiness and hardening her own heart at the process.

It's not right but there's only so much you can do when the world around you keeps telling that you are wrong. However, there's a unquenchable fire in her that keeps pushing her forward, making her to refuse to give in. She might be wrong and freak of nature, yes, but she still has every right to exist and be those things.]

I don't know. [She admits eventually, her voice matching his.] But it's the way I am.

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