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[ THISAVROU: INBOX ] MID messages & IC mail

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IC Voice Mail

"Personnel Officer Miles here. If this is a personal matter, leave a message; if it's ship business-related, may I direct you to the Personnel Office's suggestion box.
Sending me a barrage of texts will not make me respond to you any faster, so don't, Ivan."

Mun Contact

PLURK:

runawayballista

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[The silence stretches between them into a minute.

Now that's a question she doesn't know how to answer.

Does she think she deserves this? Not really but then again.. yes. She doesn't think that anyone deserves to be treated and viewed like she's been, experiencing the same hate that she's been subjected to. But that's just how the world works and things are the way they are. And without even realizing it, she's accepted them as truth and learned how to function around them, making compromises when it came to her own happiness and hardening her own heart at the process.

It's not right but there's only so much you can do when the world around you keeps telling that you are wrong. However, there's a unquenchable fire in her that keeps pushing her forward, making her to refuse to give in. She might be wrong and freak of nature, yes, but she still has every right to exist and be those things.]

I don't know. [She admits eventually, her voice matching his.] But it's the way I am.

But it doesn't have to be. You don't have to suffer like this.

[ but he's looking at his lap, not at her, feeling a little sick, now. it hits too close to home. he's not upset at her, she doesn't upset him, but the whole situation...it pains him that J's life has led her here. that everything that's happened to her has made her feel this way. she doesn't deserve it. ]

[J moves the cigarette back to her lips for the distraction -- something that would help keep her thoughts distant enough, to prevent her feelings to get best of her. It was always easier to talk about these things like they weren't about her.

But she can't quite manage to do either of those and fails to inhale the smoke properly, starting to cough weakly, eyes watering.]

Y-you are wrong. [She says between her coughs.] I'm not suffering.

Edited 2016-05-09 22:06 (UTC)

And this is you having a party? I'd hate to see what you're like when you're actually miserable.

[ the attempt at a joke falls horribly flat, and miles winces at himself. he starts to slide off the bed and get to his feet, burying a cough in the crook of his elbow. damned smoke. ]

Look, I can't...tell you what to do. I can't make you do anything. But this place could be a new start for you, if you let it. A clean slate.

[ he touches her shoulder briefly before he finally touches his feet to the ground without making a sound. ]

[J first thinks about commenting his failed joke to let him know that it was ok and that she appreciated the effort, in a way, but then she feels the mattress shift underneath them as he moves away from her. The room feels all of sudden colder than before as she only associates his dislike for the smoke as a form of rejection of sorts.

But when he finally touches her, placing his hand hesitantly on her shoulder, J swiftly moves her own hand on top of his and gives it a tight squeeze, silently signaling him not to leave yet.

A clean slate. Now, wouldn’t that be grand? Just how many people had told her the same during this very day? To start a new, ignoring everything that had happened in New York and with her parents as if none of it mattered. It’d be really wonderful -- but in the end there’s still so much that she can’t bring herself to let go. ]

What for? It’s not-- I don’t even get what you mean. What happens when we reach our destination and go back home? I can’t change.

That's where you're wrong, J. Anybody can change.

[ miles tops where he is, moving no further. his eyes fix on the aimless dark, going distant. ]

I had a bodyguard growing up -- necessary precaution. Name of Sergeant Konstantin Bothari, one of my father's Armsmen. He saved my life more times than I care to number, including from my own family. He was...strange and a little terrifying. It wasn't hard to see that he wasn't quite right in the head, but I trusted him with my life. He had a daughter my age, too -- Elena Bothari. [ something on his expression flickers in the dark, an echoed, aching fondness, a love he's never quite let go. ] She was one of my closest friends growing up, my confidante. She never knew a mother except for mine, the old Sergeant her only blood relation.

It wasn't until he died that I learned more about him, his past. That he had once been used as a tool for rape and abuse, that he had been manipulated and ordered by his superiors into assaulting prisoners of war. Unforgivable sins, and he knew that, even though they'd made him forget.

[ miles is silent for a moment, as though he needs to gather the words, to force them through the tightness in his chest. his voice comes out soft but almost toneless, putting a distance between himself and painful memories. ]

Elena was the product of that rape, left behind in a uterine replicator along with all the rest like her, orphans of war in an abstracted sense. And Bothari...Bothari made a choice. She could have remained an orphan, but he made the choice to be her father, and in so doing...well. Change, and choose again. [ a humorless echo of a smile passes over his face. ] He always was a madman, but he when he was freed from his cruel masters, he chose to change, to end that cycle of abuse. For Elena. So if a madman like Sergeant Bothari could change for the sake of someone else's future...surely you can change for your own.

[She patiently listens to his story, allowing him to keep his breaks and pauses and take time to finish what he has to say, letting each of his words to sink in. And when he's finally finished J only shakes her head, disagreeing with him.]

You have no idea what I've done in the past.

[Of course, none her experiences and sins were comparable to this Bothari's and she knows it. But she's hurt and caused lot of trouble to people around her but even more than that, she's the reason for the pain and ruin of the lives of those who mattered to her most. ]

And you still don't get it. In the end he had something that I don't. [Unlike J, he had someone in the end, a family.]

I had no idea what Bothari had done either, until he died. And even then it didn't change much. I'd still have trusted him with my life.

[ miles gathers himself up, touching j's shoulder again, but a little more firmly this time. ]

So find something. You'll have to work for it. It probably won't come easy. But it's out there, if you want it. And you do have to want it.

Edited 2016-06-06 15:59 (UTC)

[J continues to shake her head but this time it's more out from stubbornness and bafflement rather than blatant disbelief.Up until now she's always had that 'something.' A plan, a goal and a purpose. She knew the world and people around her and had learned how to live in hostile environment and it was frightening to come realize that none of that applied to life on Moira. And that she hasn't been able to adapt nearly as well as she had thought.

Finding something new would mean to let go of certain things that she didn't know how to.

J let's the silence between them stretch, not quite sure what to say anymore at this point.]

So -- [she eventually continues, voice sounding more shy than before.] Do I get a day off?

[ the truth is that miles is so tired and overworked he'd tip over at a slight breeze, and the prospect of covering someone else's shifts almost makes him want to cry

but he can't very well ask her to work tomorrow, no. he couldn't live with himself if he did. miles relents, giving her a weak, tired smile, but it's genuine.]

Yeah. Yeah, you do.

[She knows that he must be exhausted with two full-time jobs and that asking him to do more is almost cruel. And still, she's selfish enough to demand it from him. He could've refused, of course, and tell her to get her shit together. It's not like she's completely immobile even though it sure did feel like that at the moment. But instead any of that he came to see her in middle of the night, comforted her and promised to do her work so that she could rest.

Despite being weary, more emotionally than just physically at this point, she feels a little lighter compared to earlier.]

I owe you one. [She brings her hand to grab on his, giving it a gentle squeeze.]

[ miles squeezes her hand back and smiles tiredly. ]

I'll hold you to that.

[ he nods toward the door. ]

I'm going to get some rest. You should, too. [ he lets go of her hand. ] See you in a day or so, J.

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